Like many severe introverts, I was bullied in school. My girl-peers picked on everything: my clothes, the way I talked, the way I acted or in some cases, didn’t act. I should have had glasses sometime in third grade, but it took a year for my parents and teacher to find out how bad my vision was because I didn’t speak up. I was too afraid my glasses would get me teased. (They did, but not for as long or as severely as I was afraid of.)
What I don’t talk about much, however, is the fact that I was also a bully. Crap rolls downhill, kick the cat, and so on: when I got home, I brought all the lovely lessons I’d learned with me, and took them out on my little brother–who was also getting it at school from his own peers.
Years later I apologized to him for it, and while I can’t say we’re friends now (our interests and personalities diverge greatly), at least no more bad feelings exist between us. But bullying always strikes a chord in me, so when Chris Brogan tweeted this press release courtesy of Dad-o-Matic, I knew I had to blog about it, too.
Why were my brother and I bullied? In large part, I think it was because we were so different from our peers. We moved around a lot as kids–my father worked as a civilian for the federal government, and we moved on the same 2-3 year schedule as many military families–so we were never “of” a neighborhood the way our peers were. And we came from a nonconformist family. Our parents never wanted us to have Reebok sneakers or Jordache jeans or play with Cabbage Patch dolls “because everyone else had them.” And while I’m glad to be able to think for myself now, then it meant just so much heartache. I’m also not convinced that following fads always means a life beholden to groupthink.
I have to wonder, too, whether bullying is the reason we are both socially challenged. I still struggle with how to talk to others and what to say. I’ve been accused of being too cold and indifferent, as well as shooting off my mouth. I overthink and overanalyze every little thing, and the people who tell me I worry too much don’t seem to get that I live in a constant state of fear that I will lose their friendship or their business because I just. Don’t. Get it.
I’m happy to say that I’ve noticed no signs of bullying in Hamlet’s life. He’s loving and kind to his little brother–we do work to instill the Golden Rule in them both–and although my brain often freezes over when I find myself having to coach him through a social situation on the playground or in school, he seems resilient enough that other kids just don’t think to bully him. So far, so good.
October 5-11 will be the Third Annual National Bullying Prevention Awareness Week. PACER, an organization designed to improve the quality of life for children with disabilities, has some great resources for students, parents, and teachers at its website. Take some time to look them up. And please read two articles I wrote for Law Enforcement Technology in April 2006; you can find them here and here (and if you know any school resource officers or Internet crimes cops, please pass them along). Even as I try to navigate the new world of social media for my business, many many children are on its bad side, peers using the Internet to make their lives a living hell. In other words, no longer is bullying confined to school; it’s in the home now, in kids’ heads 24/7. I can only imagine what my and my brother’s lives would have been like if we’d had to deal with a constant barrage of messages “proving” our lack of worth. Therefore, bullying prevention has never been more important.
Interesting article Christa. It appears that your “socially challenged” issue does not extend to the keyboard. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, Rich. Actually I am fine behind a keyboard. It’s face to face and also on the phone (in non-interview situations 😉 ) that I get tongue-tied and start to overthink! My friends keep me moving forward though. Sort of like having to prop a drunk up. LOL
Propping drunks up isn’t all bad. : )
Super glad to see this post. I never had a problem with bullying myself in school, but I have a strange history with it. I used to be the guy who’s try to make peace on behalf of the bulleyed person. I’d do my best to make friends with all the “strays” in the school, on the hope that if they had at least a few friends, then bullies wouldn’t see them as so obvious a target. It made for quite an eclectic crowd in high school. : )
So thanks again for your post. Glad to know the little Ham is doing just fine so far in that regard.
Thanks so much for stopping by, Chris – and for tweeting about the week to start with!
You know, I’m not at all surprised to see you say that. You’re one of those people (my husband is another) who seems able to get along with everyone. I would love for my kids to be the peacemakers as well. Haven’t crossed that bridge yet but I am sure we will. Just hope we can explain/model it the right way.
Great topic and great post, Christa (as usual).
Thanks, ML. Your support means a lot!
Thank you for sharing this information, Christa. Every parent needs to become educated when it comes it bullying. It’s an epidemic that is truly scary now. A bully has many more tools at his/her disposal, all of which have devastating and far-reaching consequences.
This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart as someone who also lived through it.
What a great post, Christa. The huge potential for bullying through sites like Facebook & mySpace is scary for this whole generation of kids. I think back to some of the drama of the high school years, and simply cannot imagine trying to keep up an online image as well. I love the ease of communication, but am extremely wary of the downside as well. Thanks for putting this out there!
Thanks for the comment, Kirsetin! I know just what you mean about image – kids that age are still struggling with identity, and here’s this medium that makes it easier for them either to put themselves “out there” or hide behind someone else entirely… as you say, good and bad. It will be interesting to see the research that comes out of this generation.
This is a topic near and dear to me. And I blame much of it on unsupervised recesses when much of it takes place. I think too many teachers believe this is something kids need to work out for themselves when in reality, they’d do better teaching themselves to read and count.
hey christa, this is exactly what my youth novel in progress is about, so thanks for the PACER info.
I was picked on and ostracized even from the geekiest group at one time, the old what goes around. i remember feeling incredibly defensive in my approach to peers throughout my childhood, however, i wasn’t the worst off, and like chrisbrogan, i stuck up for a lot of the ‘strays’ or put my 90lb or less frame in between the bully and bullied and opened my big mouth quite a lot. i’m surprised i didn’t get bashed a lot more than i did. maybe i was lucky to be so small, they thought they might actually kill me.
i think when i started not just sticking up for myself, but for others, i started to feel ‘my power’ i’ve had a big mouth ever since. sounds like you’ve grown into yourself, esp to be able to come to the point of apologizing to your brother.
not so sure i ever did to mine….then again, not sure my big brother ever apologized for bullying me, either….
Patti, I think too that it’s hard for teachers to supervise so many kids. Of course, certainly too that they’re busy socializing. (Not that I don’t sympathize with the need for adult company.) Hard for them to notice any but the most physical violence, you know?
Cathy, glad you will be able to use the info! And I was thinking this when I replied to Chris – I always wished I could stick up for the “strays,” but really I was afraid it would just get me picked on worse. 😦