One of the key points of advice given to both freelance writers and mothers is this: understand how lonely it really is. You don’t have built-in work friends; you have to balance your work with the work of making, and maintaining, social contacts if you want to be happy.
Now, for an introvert like me, that never mattered so much. I was perfectly happy making contacts with other adults solely for the articles I was writing. My favorite interviews, granted, were the ones where I developed a strong enough rapport with the source to trade humor and personal anecdotes; I often wished I could work with them again. (I don’t have a “beat” like a newspaper reporter, so I never had the opportunity to forge relationships–however professional–with regular sources.)
When I became a mother, however, was when the full understanding of “loneliness” sank in. Because it wasn’t just that I didn’t have as much time to work with sources anymore. It was also meeting other mothers at playdates and parks, and realizing how much more “into” mothering they were than I was. Getting on the floor and playing with their kids wasn’t just enough; it was what they lived for. I really started to think something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel that way, because I had this elephant in the room telling me I had to keep writing.
Even after I found other freelancing mothers–what a precious few we are!–let’s face it, we’re all busy. Many of us don’t have time to come online and chat with each other, and of those who make the time, you don’t always “click.” So as a freelancing mother, the temptation is there to get to be friends with anyone you can get your hands (or keyboard) on. Including your sources.
Becoming friends with a source when you freelance is a bit grayer than when you’re a “real” reporter in a newsroom. Prevailing wisdom is that it’s unethical, because you lose the ability to be fair and impartial. Beat reporters are advised to get off the beat if that happens, to tell their editors–and not to write any more stories with friend-source as focal point.
But when you’re a freelancer, even though fairness and impartiality are still important, again–you’re not working a beat; you can afford to stay in touch. You might, as I often do, work with PR professionals whose only job is to set up interviews with their corporate contacts. Not much to deal with as far as impartiality there, so it’s easy to trade talk about your kids and jobs and life.
But what if you click with a source so well that not only do you stay in touch about kids and jobs and life, but they keep coming up with great story ideas, which they’re more than qualified to provide interviews for? Such was the position I found myself in this past spring, with an investigator I’d worked with before on articles. And, honestly, we’re still hashing out the ethical stuff.
It’s moot to argue that your friend doesn’t mind, in fact welcomes, if you ask tough questions (as mine does). What matters is when readers (especially if they overlap among magazines you work for, as they do in certain trade markets like mine–public safety) notice the same name popping up in your articles. Even the question about whether you can really be impartial is enough to undermine your credibility, and your source’s, too. No writer needs that, not if you want to make a serious career out of it.
I think it’s important always to keep your editors apprised of the situation, and to think of ways your friend-source can still work with you without compromising either of your reputations. That may mean that friend provides only background information, and either sends a different source your way or lets you pick your own. You may also co-author articles (though most editors don’t like having to split pay.) If you know another freelancer you trust, send your friend to that person with her article ideas. And if you decide you’ll no longer work together on articles, but still want to work together, think of a different project: a classroom course, or a book.
Above all, though, don’t compromise your humanity for your career. If you really mesh well with a source, even if you agree never to work together again, it’s not worth your happiness to walk away from a great friendship just because you’re afraid of ethical quicksand. Freelancing while you mother is one of the loneliest jobs out there, and the neverending work doesn’t get it. Think of it this way: would you rather your kid sees you working and miserable, or surrounded by friends and happy? So keep your friend–the career will fall into place.
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